dead christmas

i think the christmas spirit has died along with my father and my heart he took with him.


got 2 gifts this year, and i am returning one of them. since i am fat and it doesnt fit me. yeah my family is poor so we dont get shit. fuck that material items and shit i got my mama and my sister and my dumb fuck brother and my puppy nana. shits go! fuck presents i dont need them. i have people who i love and they surround me. even if they dont love me back, its okay as long as they are happy i am happy for them in a distance. so all you luck children, love your family since they "presents" you received you will forget about them next year.



fuck christmas.

joy.

Short Answers

What qualities best describe this applicant?

Cynthia is able to press on despite tough situations. She is not a quitter.

To your knowledge, does this applicant have a historically disadvantaged background (i.e., low income for several years, first generation college students, inner-city or migrant family)?

YES

Why?

Cynthia had a rough upbringing with an abusive, alcoholic father. I also believe that they are low-income. But you would never be able to tell because she is always so cheerful and ready to take care of others as if she didn't have any problems of her own.

Why do you believe this student qualifies for EOP and what services or assistance would you recommend to help him/her to succeed in college?

Cynthia is highly motivated and desires to do her best. She has grown and matured a lot since I have known her and her potential is limitless.

Please discuss any barriers to achievement the applicant has faced. Do you believe they will affect his/her performance in college?

Cynthia has done well despite her father's lack of assistance. He passed away a few years ago. I do not see any barriers preventing her from doing well in college.

What is your assessment of the student's potential, motivation, or capability for undertaking college work and potential to succeed in college?

Cynthia will do very well in college. She has proven under the most difficult circumstances that she can excel in the classroom and in life. She is motivated, works hard and is willing to listen to those who are willing to teach.

fuck you

fuck you, fuck everything. their is no destination, for the sleepless. cold bitter hateful lonely empty emotions running through these veins driving me insane. i am insane. i know it, it runs through this blood, been passed down for generations. i need to find a clarity, a clear vision of use of this life. i fucked you, you fucked up we all fucked up. shit happens, fuck it fuck this fuck emotions fuck living i am returning to my bitter habits i can sense it. i have no feelings. i dont want feelings i just want loneliness. i dont want friends i want to move far, have no one but someone. i want comfort, i only selfish when i am fed up being nice. so fuck it, fuck you, i am ready i am insane. i am creating new type of nothingness. god deserted us, fuck this christian nation. i hope when the future children grow learn about this place christin influence will be minor. becuz forcing to believe in a god makes it so much harder to live. he fucked it up for us. he didnt make it for us.


all i want is to be in arms of comfort and some clarity. i understand so much more now.

3 hours of sleep.

dizzy and light headed, stumbling the day out. with a few laughs and giggles from the thought of you. i think i can make it through the day knowing that your trying too. so off we go to an epic journey every day and every night. occasionally we would get lost but soon we will find the path that lead me home. our hearts are intertwined, and if i make all the right turns soon i will be with you. so know that greatest joy in my life right now is the thought of you.

the old days

last night i hanged out with my older friends who are all in college & it was so nice seeing them. it was so fun, they havent changed at all they still silly & stupid & love to have fun. it was fun made me think of back in the day, when i was a sophmore & i started to hang out with the older cooler kids, the seniors. i love cross country, i love micheal, lester, andrew, scotty wong, fucking ska kids. haha horribly good music i suppose. it was nice & i enjoyed it.

For: Sarah, Dwain, Shelly, Ashley, Gino, Kiki, Megan & You.
we run far away from those monsters we called maturity, farther we get the more adventures we explore through the forest with animals we never scene to the roaring river we must jump across and hope we make it. and save each other from the furious creatures. we skip by the sorrow & drive in the ocean of love where joy runs through our veins, we are at the highest of the high this must be what heaven feels like. we will stumble and mumble words of our soul the deepest fears of life that should never be told. we begin to crumble yet remain alive because we know even if we lose it all, we will have these loving memories on how we have super fun. and dream of those adventures we once had, because now we have to grow up and face these monsters. we will never die since we left our hearts in each other making us whole solid like a stone that can never we broken but can be scared.

For my Dad:
we drink this juice for the old. creating problems and mayhem with words in a mumble our thoughts all jumbled my soul begins to crumble. this thought of you and your death how lonely you've must of been it's my mistake for not realizing and for letting you go from my life. you made me who i am, without you i wouldnt know these things i know. i'm not smart but i know more about life now then most people take a life time to find the meaning of life. we must breath, and make our heart beat. since its not like a light which you can turn off and on but we have the emotions we explore and cannot control. our hearts take control of this body but our brain tries to grow. our minds are mazes to the heart. on what root you can take and we hope we dont get lost and when we do we learn from t he mistake we choose & hopefully we learned. all mistakes are important because if we dont conquer them we'll learn to in fall in the hole we dug. so lets take on life and dear nothing but ourselves since we really dont have each other. we have ourselves. i am my own best friend. i dont need anyones help.

if only i could be super man to save the world from sorrow. no one deserves to be sad. people act the way they because of the experiences they went though & thats why people are so bitter & cold. when really they need that warm yellow light pouring onto them. i just want to be that light & i hope i am that light in your life. because you life is important to me. so good friends, never doubt yourself. i'll always be your best friend.

people who matter to me now & forever no matter what: mother, charlene, kento, kenta, duan magno, sarahbaby, ivan, andymo, alli mitchell, david minoru hitotsu, micheal chen, danielle rice, sam muffin, bella, dwain, dee to the lanie, chasie poo, joshie scotty poo, cassie sakai.
this list can never shrink but it'll always grow.

i think i starting to enjoy being alive. thank you friends, especially sarah, thank you for helping me live life.

how high

ivan was suppose to come over in the morning. and i was hoping that he would come early like he used to and snuggle in bed with me. i woke up around 11 and i was still alone, i texted him and he didnt replay, i called him he didnt replay. and then i called his house. yoni picked up and i asked to speak with ivan and he gave the phone to ivan. he wasnt all thrilled to talk to me. i asked him when he was going to come over. and he said soon, we hang up. and soon after he textes me my dad took my car. he doesnt talk to me for an hour & a half. i finially after many times of trying to contact him he answers and says hes in the car with his mother going to buy a coat. he says he will come bye in a hour & a half.
im so sad. i dont understand how when he is in front of me he would say how much he cares about me, and when i try to talk to him by text & phone he wouldnt respond or talk to me at all. im so sad.
i blame myself for being so needy of attention. i am just so used to being ignored. but with him i want him to notice me. i am so heart broken. i dont want to do anything i just want to sit. im so sad. i dont know what to do. i feel so useless. i am so sad. & i wont complain to anyone. i dont want bother anyone. so i wont tell anyone. since i talk to much about nothing.
its nice pretending to know that people care. they say they do all the time but their action dont express what the words they say. i am so sad. & i try my best to hide it & to fake the laughter throughout the day. no one will know. i dont even know.

wide awake.

it rained so hard, i fell alseep at 730 last night. elliott smith playing loud, i couldnt make out the words or noises that machine played. i woke up, before 7 knowing i couldnt sleep in more. i attempted and failed. i try not to think, i ignored my though and concentrated on the ceiling and its pattern in the wood. it was amazing. what a long boring day it was. i have mcdonalds today it made me puke. i ignored it. its bad for me, good help me deceased faster. so, thats what i hope. its been real cold lately, and i love it. i enjoy this freezing temperatures. its warm to my soul.

explaining myself, is impossible. i dont want to go to school. i dont want to socialize i just want to run. run, running brings great pain. to my body, the soreness, the pain, the workout, the lungs, i love it. and after i ran a few miles, i feel accomplished to know that i didnt give in to my pain, to my feet. its over. all over, cross country. your done with me, i have 2 days left and i am so sad. yesterday when i was running short trails, well the tree & back, a good 5 mile run i was sad. since i knew this would be the last time, i will run this. so i ran it hard, but my shins began to be in great pain. i jogged down hiill for the last cross country meet of the season is this saturday. i must do well, i must score, and i have to finish. i am so nervous and worried i will do horribly, i am almost fully recovered from my shin splits, and i have a light cold i am trying hard to get rid of. i want to run, and i want to run well. i been trying so hard this season. i ran every practice, with great pain and effort. i dont think i will do well, i never do. i will fail myself and my team and mostly mr. brewer. i am completely useless.

i have notice, i have been a lot brighter. i a, still bitter and cold hearted. but i soon realized im letting my heart beat, and i can feel the warmth once again. its a strange feeling knowing all the emotions my heart can swing. i need to re-adapt to this. i started to ponder why am i feel these emotions i havent felt in so long. its because i am opening my soul, to mr magno. i cant explain it but somehow, i've became so comfortable in front of him. i can say anything. and he helps me find myself. yet i question who i am. i wish i was a kind child i once was, when i was so innocent from the evils of this world. i want to escape this emptiness. this box of nothingness. no one can be let in and i cant be let out.

i dont know why i am writing this, i know no one will read this. but i hope just someone, anyone will read and understand me just a little bit better. but i know no one is reading this nonsense of "blogging" what a useless journal i have.

i sleeped long and well, and i am wide awake for hours. and i am having fun. alone. its funny, i really am my own best friend. i relay on myself for my happiness. its depress on what the tthings i find joy in. but these small joys, are nothing compared to great bright happiness i once felt long ago. i wonder if i will ever be happy ever again. i highly doubt it.