wide awake.

it rained so hard, i fell alseep at 730 last night. elliott smith playing loud, i couldnt make out the words or noises that machine played. i woke up, before 7 knowing i couldnt sleep in more. i attempted and failed. i try not to think, i ignored my though and concentrated on the ceiling and its pattern in the wood. it was amazing. what a long boring day it was. i have mcdonalds today it made me puke. i ignored it. its bad for me, good help me deceased faster. so, thats what i hope. its been real cold lately, and i love it. i enjoy this freezing temperatures. its warm to my soul.

explaining myself, is impossible. i dont want to go to school. i dont want to socialize i just want to run. run, running brings great pain. to my body, the soreness, the pain, the workout, the lungs, i love it. and after i ran a few miles, i feel accomplished to know that i didnt give in to my pain, to my feet. its over. all over, cross country. your done with me, i have 2 days left and i am so sad. yesterday when i was running short trails, well the tree & back, a good 5 mile run i was sad. since i knew this would be the last time, i will run this. so i ran it hard, but my shins began to be in great pain. i jogged down hiill for the last cross country meet of the season is this saturday. i must do well, i must score, and i have to finish. i am so nervous and worried i will do horribly, i am almost fully recovered from my shin splits, and i have a light cold i am trying hard to get rid of. i want to run, and i want to run well. i been trying so hard this season. i ran every practice, with great pain and effort. i dont think i will do well, i never do. i will fail myself and my team and mostly mr. brewer. i am completely useless.

i have notice, i have been a lot brighter. i a, still bitter and cold hearted. but i soon realized im letting my heart beat, and i can feel the warmth once again. its a strange feeling knowing all the emotions my heart can swing. i need to re-adapt to this. i started to ponder why am i feel these emotions i havent felt in so long. its because i am opening my soul, to mr magno. i cant explain it but somehow, i've became so comfortable in front of him. i can say anything. and he helps me find myself. yet i question who i am. i wish i was a kind child i once was, when i was so innocent from the evils of this world. i want to escape this emptiness. this box of nothingness. no one can be let in and i cant be let out.

i dont know why i am writing this, i know no one will read this. but i hope just someone, anyone will read and understand me just a little bit better. but i know no one is reading this nonsense of "blogging" what a useless journal i have.

i sleeped long and well, and i am wide awake for hours. and i am having fun. alone. its funny, i really am my own best friend. i relay on myself for my happiness. its depress on what the tthings i find joy in. but these small joys, are nothing compared to great bright happiness i once felt long ago. i wonder if i will ever be happy ever again. i highly doubt it.