the old days

last night i hanged out with my older friends who are all in college & it was so nice seeing them. it was so fun, they havent changed at all they still silly & stupid & love to have fun. it was fun made me think of back in the day, when i was a sophmore & i started to hang out with the older cooler kids, the seniors. i love cross country, i love micheal, lester, andrew, scotty wong, fucking ska kids. haha horribly good music i suppose. it was nice & i enjoyed it.

For: Sarah, Dwain, Shelly, Ashley, Gino, Kiki, Megan & You.
we run far away from those monsters we called maturity, farther we get the more adventures we explore through the forest with animals we never scene to the roaring river we must jump across and hope we make it. and save each other from the furious creatures. we skip by the sorrow & drive in the ocean of love where joy runs through our veins, we are at the highest of the high this must be what heaven feels like. we will stumble and mumble words of our soul the deepest fears of life that should never be told. we begin to crumble yet remain alive because we know even if we lose it all, we will have these loving memories on how we have super fun. and dream of those adventures we once had, because now we have to grow up and face these monsters. we will never die since we left our hearts in each other making us whole solid like a stone that can never we broken but can be scared.

For my Dad:
we drink this juice for the old. creating problems and mayhem with words in a mumble our thoughts all jumbled my soul begins to crumble. this thought of you and your death how lonely you've must of been it's my mistake for not realizing and for letting you go from my life. you made me who i am, without you i wouldnt know these things i know. i'm not smart but i know more about life now then most people take a life time to find the meaning of life. we must breath, and make our heart beat. since its not like a light which you can turn off and on but we have the emotions we explore and cannot control. our hearts take control of this body but our brain tries to grow. our minds are mazes to the heart. on what root you can take and we hope we dont get lost and when we do we learn from t he mistake we choose & hopefully we learned. all mistakes are important because if we dont conquer them we'll learn to in fall in the hole we dug. so lets take on life and dear nothing but ourselves since we really dont have each other. we have ourselves. i am my own best friend. i dont need anyones help.

if only i could be super man to save the world from sorrow. no one deserves to be sad. people act the way they because of the experiences they went though & thats why people are so bitter & cold. when really they need that warm yellow light pouring onto them. i just want to be that light & i hope i am that light in your life. because you life is important to me. so good friends, never doubt yourself. i'll always be your best friend.

people who matter to me now & forever no matter what: mother, charlene, kento, kenta, duan magno, sarahbaby, ivan, andymo, alli mitchell, david minoru hitotsu, micheal chen, danielle rice, sam muffin, bella, dwain, dee to the lanie, chasie poo, joshie scotty poo, cassie sakai.
this list can never shrink but it'll always grow.

i think i starting to enjoy being alive. thank you friends, especially sarah, thank you for helping me live life.

how high

ivan was suppose to come over in the morning. and i was hoping that he would come early like he used to and snuggle in bed with me. i woke up around 11 and i was still alone, i texted him and he didnt replay, i called him he didnt replay. and then i called his house. yoni picked up and i asked to speak with ivan and he gave the phone to ivan. he wasnt all thrilled to talk to me. i asked him when he was going to come over. and he said soon, we hang up. and soon after he textes me my dad took my car. he doesnt talk to me for an hour & a half. i finially after many times of trying to contact him he answers and says hes in the car with his mother going to buy a coat. he says he will come bye in a hour & a half.
im so sad. i dont understand how when he is in front of me he would say how much he cares about me, and when i try to talk to him by text & phone he wouldnt respond or talk to me at all. im so sad.
i blame myself for being so needy of attention. i am just so used to being ignored. but with him i want him to notice me. i am so heart broken. i dont want to do anything i just want to sit. im so sad. i dont know what to do. i feel so useless. i am so sad. & i wont complain to anyone. i dont want bother anyone. so i wont tell anyone. since i talk to much about nothing.
its nice pretending to know that people care. they say they do all the time but their action dont express what the words they say. i am so sad. & i try my best to hide it & to fake the laughter throughout the day. no one will know. i dont even know.

wide awake.

it rained so hard, i fell alseep at 730 last night. elliott smith playing loud, i couldnt make out the words or noises that machine played. i woke up, before 7 knowing i couldnt sleep in more. i attempted and failed. i try not to think, i ignored my though and concentrated on the ceiling and its pattern in the wood. it was amazing. what a long boring day it was. i have mcdonalds today it made me puke. i ignored it. its bad for me, good help me deceased faster. so, thats what i hope. its been real cold lately, and i love it. i enjoy this freezing temperatures. its warm to my soul.

explaining myself, is impossible. i dont want to go to school. i dont want to socialize i just want to run. run, running brings great pain. to my body, the soreness, the pain, the workout, the lungs, i love it. and after i ran a few miles, i feel accomplished to know that i didnt give in to my pain, to my feet. its over. all over, cross country. your done with me, i have 2 days left and i am so sad. yesterday when i was running short trails, well the tree & back, a good 5 mile run i was sad. since i knew this would be the last time, i will run this. so i ran it hard, but my shins began to be in great pain. i jogged down hiill for the last cross country meet of the season is this saturday. i must do well, i must score, and i have to finish. i am so nervous and worried i will do horribly, i am almost fully recovered from my shin splits, and i have a light cold i am trying hard to get rid of. i want to run, and i want to run well. i been trying so hard this season. i ran every practice, with great pain and effort. i dont think i will do well, i never do. i will fail myself and my team and mostly mr. brewer. i am completely useless.

i have notice, i have been a lot brighter. i a, still bitter and cold hearted. but i soon realized im letting my heart beat, and i can feel the warmth once again. its a strange feeling knowing all the emotions my heart can swing. i need to re-adapt to this. i started to ponder why am i feel these emotions i havent felt in so long. its because i am opening my soul, to mr magno. i cant explain it but somehow, i've became so comfortable in front of him. i can say anything. and he helps me find myself. yet i question who i am. i wish i was a kind child i once was, when i was so innocent from the evils of this world. i want to escape this emptiness. this box of nothingness. no one can be let in and i cant be let out.

i dont know why i am writing this, i know no one will read this. but i hope just someone, anyone will read and understand me just a little bit better. but i know no one is reading this nonsense of "blogging" what a useless journal i have.

i sleeped long and well, and i am wide awake for hours. and i am having fun. alone. its funny, i really am my own best friend. i relay on myself for my happiness. its depress on what the tthings i find joy in. but these small joys, are nothing compared to great bright happiness i once felt long ago. i wonder if i will ever be happy ever again. i highly doubt it.

brownies.

my poor baby sarahG is sick, physically and emotionally. i made her brownies, since brownies make everything better. even if it is just a little bit. im nervous, for the days passing hopeing these thoughts wont haunt my head.
i wish i never knew what happiness was, that was the highest point of my life it was like heaven. and now im on earth, i have been to hell many times but not right now, im not white im not black im gray. always gray, often i'm a dark shade of gray.
i am so lonely, so sad, and so depressed of happiness. i just want to escape this emptiness that will never be filled. i am so depressed.
i am never trully happy, those smiles are forced so i can survive the day. i care so much for those around, they dont deserve pain, i dont want them to suffer. i dont want this too suffer at all.
sarah is sad, this makes me so sad. i love her so much, and she doesnt deserve the misery she is stuggling through. maygay. i care for her so much, its because she is so sad at times. she is always gray and i will try my best to make her smile. even if it only for seconds, i know she is feeling a little bit better. ivan, why is james pulling you down i care so deeply for you & it hurts me so much to see someone in that much pain.
life a rollercoaster, and everyday is a windey road. my rollercoaster has the niggest ups and down.
everything will pass, this great sorrow will past. but i'll never be compeletly at peace since those images and words haunt me everyday.
its hard living on knowing no one truly cares about you. but know that i really do care about you, sarah, megan, & ivan. please loose faith in my love i have for you.